J says he wants "space". In relationships, this is normally a Bad Thing. In a relationship where a couple is dating and not actually living together, this spells the beginning of The End. When the couple is living together, well, I'm not sure what it means.

Of course, we have been in each other's pockets 24/7 for some time now - the hazards of both being students, working from home I suppose, and its putting a lot of pressure on our relationship.

So sure, I have given him space. For the last four weeks. The thing is, J and I have different definitions of space. For him, apparently, it means physical space. For me, it means emotional distance. So, I have gone off to Varsity every day before he wakes up (not spending the days together seems to help a little - but not much, since he sleeps most of the day away and doesn't actually notice that I'm not there, so going to Varsity is useless), at night I've sat in the lounge and watched TV with my folks when he's been in the study, I've gone to bed hours before he does. I haven't spoken to him very much at all, I've pretty much tried my utmost to ignore him as much as possible.

Its been quite trying, actually. I'm very sociable, by nature. Sure, I'm shy and introverted, but when I love someone, I need a lot of closeness - meaningful conversations, snuggling in bed, touching, basic affection.

And this "space" thing has been hard, because it goes against everything I need and want - it means, for me, a complete lack of displays of affection. I can do this for a day or two, no problem. But for weeks on end? Its really starting to take its toll on me. I feel lonely, unappreciated, unloved and mostly, just very, very sad.

Unfortunately, J doesn't feel the same way - he says the amount of space I'm giving him is probably just shy of too little.

Too little? How on earth am I going to give him more space? We hardly talk now as it is! We haven't had sex in over four weeks! What more space is there? I mean, what am I really to J? A "fuck-buddy" (a friend with whom you have occasional sex)? Just a friend (cause the sex is now very very occasional)? Not even that, I think - he is more lively and attentive to his friends than he is to me. I feel completely taken for granted at the moment, like a big fat nothing in his life.

I hope this doesn't last too much longer, because sadness will eventually turn into resentment, and from there, we'll have big problems.

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Filed as: My Relationship »
 

1 Comments:

• At Thu Dec 22, 01:46:00 am GMT+2,  Anonymous said…

  Whoa! .. I came over to spruik a blog I like - well, the simple classiness of it's look - in case u wanna check it out, only to read this post.
  
  Geez... in my last relli when I was behaving like J, it meant I was dissatisfied with me, me life and everything in it (a bit dramatic, but ya know what I mean), and I was blaming all of it on the 'other'. I'm sure, if the b-f hadn't of been their, it would have been a different significant 'other' or something.
  
  But that's just me; I had to mature a bit more; it was a good thing; effing horrible all-round at the time.
  
  Anyway, here's that blog.
  
  Hope it gets sorted :)
  

   

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