I'm terrified. I sit there, reading a book or playing a computer game, and this voice in my head says, "Come on, stop reading/playing. You need to get back to work. Just one paragraph, that's all you need to get you started. Come now, stop messing around..."

And the rest of my brain either ignores that voice completely, or says "Ok, just one more chapter, just one more level". And then I start justifying my non-work - "Well, there's only 3 more hours left in the work day. I can't possibly accomplish anything useful in that time..."

And so, by the end of the day, I still haven't accomplished anything useful, and I get more and more anxious, until eventually, I start breathing faster and faster, and I know I'm on a downhill slide to a panic attack, so I take some Calmettes, try not to cry... act like nothing is wrong when my significant other comes home...

I feel like I am drowning in a sea of anxiety. I am trapped in a paralysed brain, impotent, unable to motivate myself.

And whats worse, I can't talk about it. Firstly, because the thought of verbalising it, even just to myself, if I say this out loud all alone in my room, I burst into tears. Telling someone else? Impossible. Secondly, I am a pillar of strength, I am the rock my family depends on... the world will collapse if I admit that I'm not coping.

---

Filed as: Fibromyalgia »
 

5 Comments:

• At Wed Jun 01, 04:20:00 pm GMT+2,  Anonymous said…

  I found it helped to work on a reward system when I was writing up. Work for an hour-90 minutes and then play/read for 2 hours. I found I managed to get a number of pages done in a day that way.
  
  Once you start typing it just flows. Managed to get over the panic attacks that way. also stopped me dreaming about work and problems at work.
  
  Feel free to chat with me if you want. I been through writing up and am here for support (as is a group on campus at Student Counselling).
  
  J
  

   

• At Thu Jun 02, 11:36:00 am GMT+2,  Amanda said…

  Ja, unfortunately, the anti-depressant and anxiety medication doesn't include Willpower-in-a-bottle.
  
  Would to god that it did! "Just one more chapter", "just one more level", until suddenly, what do you know, its the end of the day, one day further from the deadline thats already passed, one more unproductive day, with one part of me justifying it ("Ah, I deserve a break" ... from what, I ask you?) and the other part of me going "Oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit"
  

   

• At Thu Jun 02, 11:38:00 am GMT+2,  Amanda said…

  Hmmm, Willpower-in-a-bottle.
  
  I can just see the infomercials now: But wait, thats not all, if you call now, you'll get not one, but two months supply. Now, you can do all those things you've been dreaming of - Lose weight instantly, get fit like Demi Moore in GI Jane, run the comrades... lol
  

   

• At Fri Jun 03, 10:08:00 am GMT+2,  Anonymous said…

  Wait - you forgot a slogan:
  
  Willfast: You can't say no.
  

   

• At Fri Jun 03, 10:28:00 am GMT+2,  Anonymous said…

  I'll buy me some of that!!
  

   

Post a Comment