Girl Interrupted

Friday, June 24, 2005

[+/-] Spiritual Epiphany the first

I don't speak about my spiritual beliefs much because they are deeply personal and mostly ineffible (for me, at least), and usually when I do speak about them I end up getting into a fight with someone (read SuperCrispy) who can't tolerate that I don't believe what they believe (exactly) while I can't tolerate being told I am going straight to hell.

Now, I enjoy religious discussions greatly, as long as all parties are tolerant and not out to convert anyone or pass Judgement.

Recently, I have been feeling a huge gaping hole in my life, spiritually, and it occurred to me to wonder, how have I, an intensely spiritual person (read New Age Hippy), attracted to myself an atheist for a partner? And how have I attracted the particular friends that I have in my life right now? One, an atheist, one a devout Christian, one an ex-Catholic... (ok, the fact that this list of close friends only has three people on it is a discussion for another day).

And it came to me, on Tuesday, with the help of the Kinesiologist I am seeing, that is all harks back to my deeply scarring first relationship with a schizophrenic egomaniac (lets call him Bob).

For brevity's sake, lets just say this relationship didn't end well.

And as such, I have rejected everything about Bob. And I do mean everything. Looking at my current partner, he is the EXACT opposite, in every single possible way. (I can't emphasise this enough). This is not to say that James is my rebound guy (its been WAY too long for that)...

What has this to do with my spirituality? Well, its a very long story... and we'll start at the very beginning...

I don't really remember much of what my world view was like before my first Epiphany. Its like I was asleep or something. I didn't have any beliefs, really, religious, spiritual or otherwise. Anyway, a friend of Bob's (and mine by association) came to us one day, markedly changed, and said "Here, you must read this book - it will change your life". That book was called The Celestine Prophecy.

And Bob procrastinated and put it off and blah blah blah (Bob hated to read anything). So I read it. And the book gripped me in a way that I have never felt before. If my life was a movie, there would be golden lights and the singing of angels in the background as I read this book. That was the first spiritual turning point in my life. So much so, that before that may as well be called BC (Before Celestine).

So Bob comes home and I, filled with the grace of God, convince him that he NEEDs to read it, so he does, and it changes his life too. So now we're both on this newfound spiritual path, and some years later, he has become a "healer", doing Reiki and all sorts of stuff. He's really good at what he does - he has this awesome power that is tangible in a way I've never felt before. Bu he abuses this gift and uses the vulnerable, trusting space that kind of energy puts you into to get into women's pants.

After many betrayals like this, I give up on the relationship and move out. Now, not only do I feel physically and emotionally betrayed (for which I have forgiven him), but I realised, this week, that I felt spiritually betrayed as well. This explains why anything he says to me about spirituality these days automatically brings up this wall of resistance. This is why I am so interested in Wicca and Goddess worship, because Bob disagreed with it. This is why I have rejected virtually my entire spiritual being, and why I find myself in the place that I do today. And this is why I have a current partner who is an atheist.

And what am I suppose to do now? Well, after my Energy Balancing and healing experience with my Kinesiologist, I finally feel like my connection to the Divine is restored.

And the epiphany? My job now is to redefine my spirituality in an environment that is totally devoid of outside influence. Hence my current partner's place in my life's journey.

I am a blank slate...
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