Girl Interrupted

Friday, June 24, 2005

[+/-] Epiphany the second

The second epiphany this week was more of an intellectual epiphany. James and I (well, more me than James) were trying to think back to when my symptoms of depression started and what triggered it.

Well, we didn't get to the bottom of that, but we did realise that it was greatly exacerbated by my trip to Slovenia.

I came back from that trip feeling really, really stupid - I was surrounded by clever people, and I didn't know anything. (The fact that the conference was on a field that was not my own was besides the point).

So whats the problem? Well, for the first time, I find myself in like company. Prior to meeting my current friends, I was the cleverest person I knew. I was the only one of my family and friends to have a University education and I would be consulted on anything and everything biological. I got great kick out of this. Yes, it made me feel important. Yes, it fed my ego. Yes, I probably have some kind of superiority complex.

Now, thats not the case. I'm surrounded by people who are in all likelihood more intelligent than I am, and it really sucks.

I'm not used to feeling stupid.

I need to redefine myself, preferably not in relation to other people, and find something else that I am good at, something else to boost my self-confidence.

But what am I if not an intellectual? My brain is porridge, mush, probably quite tasty, but mush nonetheless.

Oh god, the agony of the quarter-life "Who am I" crisis...
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